The Science of Successful Parenting . . . Regardless of What Culture you Live In

Posted on April 11, 2012

So, whom are you going to listen to for parenting advice?  Will you follow Amy Chua’s disciplined approach that we all witnessed through her book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother?” Will you follow Pamela Druckerman’s approach on how a child fits into the parent’s life from her book “Bringing Up Bebe?”  Will you absorb the global practices described in Mei-Ling Hopgood’s “How Eskimos Keep Their Babies Warm?”

I have lived in Asia and in Europe with my young children and have personally witnessed the Asian and European approach to parenting. Both are interesting and have benefits.   Why do we look to culture to give us parenting tips?  We all share a common human nature and we are, in general, social beings. Culture gives us the framework of how to be a good member of a group.  Culture is an important aspect of each an every one of us. Is the way one culture raises a child superior to another culture?  I don’t believe so.  Having had the global experience as well as being a first generation Asian brought up in the United States, I feel that the best approach for parenting advice may be turning to brain science.  Science allows us to form a solid foundation while culture adds a beautiful layer that allows us to feel connected to others and the reality we each live in.

There is so much research in regards to brain development and growing children.  How can we disregard how science plays into the role of raising children?

Science tells us that the brain’s number one function is survival.  In order for our children to learn and grow, we must surround them with safe environments. Ask yourself, are we doing this? Are our homes, schools, parks and other environments safe?  Are our children exposed to yelling, unsafe conditions where they may get hurt, domestic violence, or worse?  The first thing we must do in raising children is to ensure their environments are safe so that the brain can let go of its preoccupation for survival.

Once we do this, we can create an optimal environment for learning.  This includes allowing our children to explore indoors and also in nature, allowing for creativity, as well as teaching and modeling good verbal and non-verbal communication skills.

Teaching self-regulation is also important and may be the greatest predictor of academic and social success for your child.  Self-regulation is a person’s ability to regulate one’s thinking, emotions, and behavior.

How do you regulate your own thinking?

  1. Allow children down time so they can reflect and listen to their self-talk. Are you always hovering around your children or do you allow them time and space to be on their own, focus, and think?
  2. Allow our children to make choices, within a safe environment?
  3. No two brains develop at the same rate.  We must be careful that we do not put extreme expectations on our children.  Extreme will be different for each child depending on development and age.  The concern is not to put ‘stress’ on the brain so that it goes back to focusing only on survival.
  4. Depending on the age and development of your child, you can create a balance of self-directed time and parent-guided time.

How do you regulate your own emotions?

  1. Well, first, we need to model it ourselves.  What emotions are we comfortable with having and expressing? What emotions are we not comfortable with and may cause us stress?  Let’s acknowledge where we are and then determine what we want to change so that we can model intentionally for our children.
  2. How familiar are you with your child’s emotional landscape? According to science, there is a 1 in 5 chance you will have a child that is anxious or irritable. If you observe what is happening with your children, you may find an opportunity to step in before the emotion becomes overwhelming to the child.
  3. Let’s acknowledge the importance of face time, not screen time.  Children are trying to read the emotion behind your facial expression.  The brain wants to make sense of what it sees.  Thus allowing it to recognize the emotion in others and at other times. Screens do not allow for this interaction. Children need interaction with adults to be able to improve non-verbal communication.
  4. Furthermore, let’s acknowledge that emotions are what make us human. There are no good emotions or bad emotions.  Emotions do not make us weak or strong.  We cannot control the emotion we feel, but we can control the behavior.

How do you regulate behavior?

  1. We need to be firm in our discipline.  Involving a child in rule making is empowering to the child and he or she will more likely follow the rule.
  2. We should make sure rules are delivered in a warm, safe environment.  The child should know that the parent loves the child and the child’s behavior is what needs to be changed.
  3. Let us also offer praise for following the rules and also the absence of undesirable behavior.  If your child was quiet in a restaurant and did not yell, let them know that was appreciated.

How do we do this?  Well, first, we as parents must take care of ourselves so that we can parent well.  Have you reflected upon your own life?  Are there aspects of your life that energize you?  Do you need to incorporate more of these energizing qualities into your life?  Are there aspects of your life that drain you?  What can you do about changing them? If you want to parent well, take care of yourself.  Not only will you be happy, you will enjoy your parenting journey.

To be happy and to enjoy my children, that is a dream come true.

Regardless of what culture you grew up in and regardless of what culture you are raising your children in, creating an environment of safety and then creating an optimal environment for learning can happen anywhere. Thus, we build a strong foundation that can flourish in any culture.

If you consider parenting tips from the lens of brain development, what will be your next step along the parenting journey?

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Go, Mom, go! Could a parent coach turn you into the parent you always hoped to be?

Posted on March 26, 2012

by Leslie Crawford and posted on greatschools.org

As parents, we’re expected to be experts. From the moment we laid eyes on our newborn babies — so perfect, so innocent — we vowed to be ever-patient, loving, and devoted. We follow through, too, doing our homework, devouring parenting books, magazines, and (ahem) websites. But then, all our best intentions are undone in untenable trigger moments: on “happy” family vacations when backseat whining morphs mom into Medusa; when frantically hunting for missing homework and bellowing, “You’re making me late for work again!” or during the pre-dinner witching hour when kid crankiness reaches its nails-on-the-chalkboard peak. “Help!” we silently scream during those darkest of parenting moments, followed by: “Isn’t there someone out there who can tell me what to do!?”

Why yes, there is. Enter the parent coach, a modern invention that is slowly gaining a foothold with a generation of overtaxed parents desperate to do a better job. Parenting in the 21st century means that — sprinkled amongst those joyful moments that come with raising a new human being – you will face an unimaginable smorgasbord of pitfalls. Sure, you might have taken birthing classes, but after that, from toddler tantrums to adolescent attitude, it’s up to you to be a pro at parenting.

“Go to your naughty corner!”

So, what exactly does a parent coach do? Act as your very own 24-hour personal parent trainer who rubs your shoulders and gives you a pep talk whenever you endure a tough bout of back talk? (“Go, Mom, go! You can win this round. Remember: Gentle but firm!”) Or does she march into your home à la TV’s Supernanny, take a prim white glove to your family’s dirty laundry, scold your ill-behaved children — and ineffectual parenting — and send you to your naughty corner?

Neither, according to Gloria DeGaetano, founder of the Parent Coaching Institute (PCI). Parent coach graduates don’t blithely ladle out advice or admonishments. As with a career or life coach, a parent coach assesses her clients’ strengths and challenges. This is not therapy, stresses DeGaetano. Instead, the coach’s goal is to help moms and dads minimize the difficulties and maximize the joy of parenting. “Parents are the experts on their own children,” says DeGaetano, who explains her coaches — just like athletic coaches – are there to help parents improve their game. “Our coaching helps parents be more authentic. So instead of screaming, they say, ‘I feel like screaming.’”

Answering cries for help

When DeGaetano founded PCI in 1999, she says she recognized a gaping need that wasn’t being filled: a lot of stressed parents seeking solutions. “They want something better for their family, but they didn’t know how to get it,” she explains. While PCI has a specific approach to parent coaching — best described as an informed, gentle guide — there are many different kinds of coaches out there. A “gentle guide” coach might listen to parents describe their day and ask questions to identify pain points. For example, to the mom who transformed into a screaming meanie in the car, DeGaetano says that instead of doling out quick, facile advice (“Pull over and take a breath”), a coach would help her client focus on the singular goal they are both working toward: becoming the kind of mom she wants to be. (“What do you want to be when you’re driving?”)

Another approach coaches take is to offer specific solutions to solve prickly problems parents face regularly, including how to avoid power struggles, manage sibling fights, lay down firm boundaries, or stay connected with a recalcitrant teen. Coaches also prove valuable, says DeGaetano, with a myriad of school issues like getting kids to do their homework without drama and being an effective advocate with your child’s teacher and school. A good coach also helps parents create a plan so they’re not winging it from moment to moment but instead deftly navigating the often dizzying 18-year roller-coaster ride.

PCI’s certified coaches — all of whom complete a one-year training and have experience as parent or child therapists or educators — do initial interviews with clients and have them fill out a questionnaire in order to assess their parenting styles. A coach may or may not do a home visit, but most coaching takes place over the phone — a practicality, says DeGaetano, for time-crunched parents. Some will offer unlimited email access so that parents get a timely response to a sudden problem.

Coaching usually runs anywhere from $75 to $125 per hour; depending on a parent’s needs, 8 to 12 one-hour sessions typically does the trick. (PCI, a nonprofit, offers pro bono help to families who can’t afford a coach.) To make sure they stay on track, or to bolster skills when new challenges arise, some parents return for an occasional parenting tune-up for months, and even years, following their initial coaching sessions. In the moment (and by the hour), it’s an expensive form of help. Pricier, say, than a mother’s helper or a little extra babysitting. But then again, this is skill-building time, not a break.

“But my Mom didn’t need a coach!”

Every coach interviewed for this article says that critics of parent coaches echo a familiar refrain: “A parent coach? Our parents didn’t need a coach!” After all, long before the word “parenting” ever existed, moms and dads were just plain old parents, no fancy-smancy training required. In previous generations, the very idea of asking — and paying — a stranger for advice would have been as preposterous as saying to your child, “Honey, I’m sorry you’re so angry we have to leave your play date. I can give you fifteen more minutes…okay?”

But, argues Kerrie LaRosa, a Bay Area parent coach who is also a licensed clinical social worker, “Our parents also didn’t go the gym. They didn’t have house cleaners. They didn’t utilize counseling services and didn’t go to the doctor as much. There are a lot of services we use now to make life easier.” Besides, LaRosa points out, today’s parents “have these busy and complicated lives” made no easier by the fact that so many families have two working parents, live far away from relatives, and are struggling to parent wisely while trying to keep at bay the relentless influence of pop culture and the media.

Buyer beware

With an increasing number of parent coaches offering their services, PCI’s DeGaetano suggests that moms and dads look for coaches with extensive professional training and experience. “It’s important to look at the person’s credentials and do your research,” says DeGaeto, whose parent coaches all have backgrounds working with children and families, including social workers, counselors, community health workers, and child care directors.

Adele Faber, co-author of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (among other breakthrough parenting tomes) — and who could arguably be described as the mother of all parent coaches — encourages parents to be cautious when inviting an “expert” to provide parenting guidance. “I’m loathe to say go ahead [with a parent coach] until you know something about this person’s basic belief,” says Faber, who notes that parenting is an intensely personal matter. She advises that along with asking for references, first get a sense about the person’s approach and make sure that it will mesh well with yours. And if you find your very own Mary Poppins? “If you’re lucky enough to get a good coach,” Faber says, “that could be something special.”

A mom-and-pop miracle worker

Ryan and Tia Ribary weren’t looking for a parent coach. Like most fledgling parents, they were experiencing sleep and other toddler-induced challenges with 18-month-old Rowan. “Like a lot of parents,” says Ryan, “we wanted to be great parents but kept finding we were butting our heads against the wall.” Tia adds that because she and Ryan “weren’t exactly sure of the ‘best’ way to respond to a situation, it was easy to waver or not act on something, which created inconsistency and arguments. There are so many parenting tips out there, as well [our] different backgrounds [as] parents…We found that we questioned ourselves about the right way to handle things and were not always in agreement, either.” They shared their parenting war stories with a friend who knew a parent coach based in their home town of Vancouver, WA.

Tia explains that her initial response was, “‘Wow, is there seriously someone like that out there?!” Despite some ambivalence, they were willing to give it a try. To kick it off, coach Sheila Wenger conducted an initial home visit, had them complete the multi-page questionnaire, and write a family mission statement that Ryan and Tia would heed whenever a domestic kerfuffle threatened to undermine their family’s happiness.

Wenger, a longtime high school teacher before becoming a PCI-certified coach, says her work is so satisfying because coaching brings about tangible, lasting improvements. “Parent coaching is designed to be a true transformation,” Wenger says. “Because the changes are so positive and impactful, the parents have a natural motivation not to go back to how it was. [It gets to the point] where they say, ‘Gosh, I’ll just never do that again.’”

After more than a year of regular consultations, the Ribarys say that thanks to Wenger — according to them a veritable mom-and-pop miracle worker — they are a family transformed, evidenced by the fact, attests Ryan, that Rowan, now four and a half, to date has had only one 30-second tantrum, which Ryan and Tia knew how to put the kibosh on instantly.

The education (and transformation) of a family

“I’d love to say we’re amazing parents,” Ryan says. “But honestly I have to say that [because of Wenger] we’re well-prepared.” Parent coaching, “simply makes your life easier. It gets Mom and Dad on the same page. It’s made our marriage better and cut down on stress of family life,” he says.

“The biggest advantage to us has been a much happier home,” agrees Tia, who notes that there’s simply more family harmony: Rowan knows the rules and she and Ryan are clear on how to enforce them. “It has given me way more confidence as a parent,” adds Tia. “Each time I have a session, I think, ‘Why on earth would someone not do this?’”

True, close-to-perfect parenting doesn’t come cheaply, but Ryan insists it’s been worth every penny. “People routinely say to me, ‘It costs this, it costs that.’ I tell them that beyond all the investing we have done for college and retirement planning, this is the best investment we’ve ever made.” And it’s one Ryan believes will stand him in good stead as Rowan grows into the creature that can be the undoing of even the most stalwart parents: a teen. “Well, I hope it will,” he says with only the faint hint of a nervous laugh.


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Family Dinner

Posted on February 29, 2012

Imagine, if you will, a family sitting down together for a dinner, which allows for open conversation and a sharing of stories. Add to this the aromas and tastes of an excellent meal. The thought of it appeals to my all senses.

It has been a dream of mine to have consistent, regular family dinners together. As my children grow older, I feel the desire for this even more.

As we entered 2012, I really asked myself why my dream has not happened. There are so many reasons. When my children were younger both my husband and I worked and we were doing everything we could to just hold it together. Then, I stopped working and my husband took on additional responsibilities to keep the family afloat. My husband then worked longer hours and did not always make it home to eat with us. Then, I decided to go back to school. This required more juggling to keep things running smoothly.

Now, my children are 8 and 12 years old, I work part-time, and my husband has a job that he enjoys and allows him more work-life balance. Family dinners now actually seem possible. But it wasn’t easy.

My children have after-school activities and their sports’ schedules can go until 8:30PM on some evenings. At these times, they wanted to eat dinner earlier. And it turned out there were days when my husband had to work late. My evenings also start to fill up once or twice a week. We were all so busy, I thought that I should just let go of my desire for family dinners.

I am a Parent Coaching Institute-certified coach, and help parents with challenges they have with their children. I also teach them how to take care of themselves so that they can parent well and help them enjoy their parenting journey. I always discuss perspective with my clients and provide exercises on how to change perspective. One day, it suddenly dawned on me: I needed to do this myself.

I sat down and thought about why I wanted a family dinner. Why was it so important? The answers I came up with included having a ‘pause’ in the day to reconnect with loved ones, creating a special time to share stories, feeling reminiscent of my childhood and sitting around the table with my parents and brother, and providing a time and space for open conversation over some good food.

There is something magical about a shared meal. Once I became focused and clear on why I wanted family dinners, I also thought about other opportunities and times that I may foster this connectedness and open conversation.

I, then, turned to ‘observation’ mode. This is also something I ask my clients to do. If your attention is there and you are focusing on something, look for it in your life. It will present itself.

For my family and I the opportunity presented itself at breakfast. We now sit together almost every morning and have ‘family breakfast’ together. Everyone is awake and engaged. We are able to discuss what is happening that day. The kids bring up things that they have been thinking about and my husband joins in the conversation adding what is happening at work for him as well.

I received an additional gift in allowing breakfast to be the family meal. We actually eat hot, healthy meals now instead of gulping down a glass of milk and grabbing something portable in our hands. My entire family eats a hearty meal such as steel-cut oatmeal with nuts and fruits in it. They have a glass of milk and take their vitamins.

Feeding my family a healthy breakfast (the most important meal of the day) has also been deeply gratifying. One thing ‘family breakfast’ has done is increase my food preparation responsibilities very early in the morning. I get up a half-hour earlier than the rest of my family. I have my cherished cup of coffee and start making breakfast. Some days, I feel as if I am conducting an orchestra with multiple pots on the stove at once, cutting up fruit, and filling plates and bowls with aromatic, tasty food.

As I serve the food and sit down with my family, I feel that I am hearing the beautiful music from a symphony orchestra when, in fact, I am listening to the rich conversation happening between my family. On top of that, my children clear their own dishes and rinse them.

Another gift: My husband and children leave the house together and he drops them off at school. That equals more quality time for him with the kids.

Now ‘family breakfast’ is more than I ever could have dreamed of. I start each and every day feeling healthy, and most of all, connected to those I love. Now that I am living one dream, I wonder what dream will next become reality in its own, unique way.

Stay tuned.

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When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking ~ author unknown

Posted on February 14, 2012

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don’t.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’t feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it’s all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I learned most of life’s lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, “Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking.”

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What does school success look like for you?

Posted on October 5, 2011

As new articles pop up every day about what is needed for school success, I tend to look at school success from a coaching perspective.

In coaching my clients, I use Appreciative Inquiry techniques.  Appreciative Inquiry is an organizational methodology that studies what gives life to human systems when they are at their best. The technique was developed by David Coorperider and Suresh Srivastava at the Weatherhead School of Management at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio USA.  The process consists of a 4-D cycle: Discover, Dream, Design, and Destiny.

Discover is the identification of what processes work well.

Dream is the envisioning of processes that would work well in the future.

Design is the planning and prioritizing of the processes that would well.

Destiny is the implementation of the processes.

If I apply Appreciative Inquiry and the 4-D’s to school success, I will first discover what is working well for my child. I will inquire about successes and tie them to feelings of satisfaction, accomplishment, achievement, and capability.

After this, I move to Dream and inquire from the child what he/she would like to achieve for the academic year.  I would like to tease out a ‘big picture’ idea as well as break down by subject.

Next, comes Design.  Let’s figure out together how you are going to achieve your dream.  We can put together weekly / monthly benchmarks that will lead to what the child would like to gain from this academic year.

Finally in Destiny we can implement what we have discussed and occasionally reflect back to where the child was the previous academic year versus where he / she is now.

Through out the entire cycle, I praise the effort the child takes to achieve his/ her goals for academic success.  By praising the effort and not necessarily the outcome, the child is more likely to learn from setbacks instead of being discouraged.

What I value about approaching school success from an Appreciative Inquiry stance is that I enter without judgment, I ask questions of the child out of curiosity, and most importantly, the child and I collaborate on what school success looks like and how to get there; i.e. the child takes ownership.

Now for those of you who respond to ‘how to’ lists a few things that have proven to enhance school success are as follows:

1.     Create a homework center; set aside a specific place where you child can do homework.  Make sure that the space is stocked with supplies such as pencils, an eraser, a dictionary, a stapler, a ruler, and some paper.

2.     Make sure your child has had a snack and drink prior to doing homework.

3.     Try and do homework at the same time every day.  It is also a good idea to insure some down time is ‘scheduled’ after homework.

4.     Some children need quiet, but others enjoy and make better use of time while listening to certain types of music. Research shows Baroque music promotes learning and productivity.

5.     Be available. Let your child feel that you are there to support him/her as well as answer questions as needed. Depending on the age of your child, it is not necessary to sit with your child while he/she does homework.  The goal is to work towards independence.

6.     Praise the effort your child has put into the assignment. Many studies of shown praising effort leads to resilience and a belief that with hard work tasks can be accomplished.  (Yes, I know this was mentioned above as well.  It is important enough to mention twice.)

To sum up from a coaching perspective, keep in mind the following from Deepak Chopra.

The earlier someone is taught how to live in the most effortless, harmonious, and creative way, the more likely it is that all of life will bring success.

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How I use a Growth Mindset for myself and for my clients . . .

Posted on September 5, 2011

My article in Brainology’s Growth Mindset newsletter  . . . .

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How much do you coddle your child? What is the role of a parent?

Posted on August 13, 2011

Read and interesting article posted on the Peak Experience Parenting facebook page

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Coach of the Month

Posted on August 8, 2011

http://theexpatcoachassociation.com/coach-of-the-month-august/

The Expat Coach Association

Name: Nita Talwar
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Title: Certified Parent Coach
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Business Name: Peak Experience Parenting
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Client Testimonials: www.peakexperienceparenting.com
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Niche/Specialties: Parent coaching to parents and small groups, special experience with globally mobile families and families in intercultural relations.
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Expat Experience: Lived in Holland for 2 years. Lived in India for 2 years. Currently live in North America.
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Languages Spoken: English, Hindi
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Life Experience: I am the mother of 2 lovely children who were born prematurely at 33 1/2 weeks and 30 weeks. The experience of having premature children led me to become a key volunteer for the March of Dimes. My passion for helping families and children led me to pursue certification as a Parent Coach.
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Prior to coaching I worked for companies such as The Limited Inc, Williams-Sonoma Inc, and Nike Inc. I traveled extensively and understand the pressures of the work environment when working in different cultures as well as the affect it may have on the families.
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I have helped parents optimize their love and joy in raising children. In my coaching practice, I have enjoyed helping families implement strategies that fall in line with their values. In addition, I may provide important research in regards to media and other issues that confront parents today.
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I have lived in the United States, Netherlands, and India. I deeply understand the challenges faced with families that are globally mobile and in inter-cultural relations. When partners are raised in different cultures, they face unique parenting challenges. I help parents foster awareness and an appreciation of each other’s cultural differences so they can raise their children in a way that brings true authenticity and fulfillment to each member of the family. My international experiences, involvement in pre-maturity, and passion are strengths that have helped me meet the needs of so many families.
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I work with parents on challenges they may have with their child(ren). My areas of interest include parent / child relationships, behavior issues, ages and stages, school-related concerns, media-related influences and many more.
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We all feel overwhelmed at times or wish that we had a partner to guide us along the parenting journey. A certified parent coach provides you that support, guidance, and resources, while together you create positive changes.
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For my story and the story of Peak Experience Parenting, please visit www.peakexperienceparenting.com
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What I Love About Working in This Niche: I love partnering with parents on their parenting journey, especially families that are globally mobile or in intercultural relations which bring interesting challenges to parenting. . .as I know from first hand experience.
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Coaching Style: I always draw upon strengths. I have an attitude of gratitude.
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Favorite Coaching Tool: 4 D’s process of Discovery, Dream, Design, and Destiny works very well.
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Why Clients Choose Me As Their Coach: Clients choose me because of my heart-centered approach and my ability for them to re-connect with themselves to guide them along the parenting journey.
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A Tip for My Niche: One of the best things you can do to take care of your children is to take care of yourself.
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Contact Details:
Email: info@peakexperienceparenting.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Peak-Experience-Parenting/129853787066099

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One way I maintain a bond with my almost 7th grader . . . .

Posted on June 9, 2011

As my child grew from baby to toddlerhood and then into his primary years at school, it was fairly easy to keep a strong bond. Our relationship consisted of lots of hugs, cuddles, playing together, eating and more eating, going to the park, and in general, just being present. Now that my son is in middle school, I had to change my tactics. Hugs and cuddles are not necessarily appreciated by tweens and teens, especially in public.

I have always taken an interest in what my children are doing in school, in sports, and in any extra-curricular activity they do. I I have been more of a supporter rather than an active player in the subject. Then, when my son entered 4th grade the game changed and I became an active participant. My son became passionate about reading. He was always an avid reader, but it got kicked up a notch in 4th grade. It all started with Roald Dahl’s Matilda. My son had to read it for school and was studying the details of the story. I had read James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl when I was a kid and really enjoyed it. My son asked if I had read Matilda. I had not and he asked me if I would be interested in reading it. I said sure. This started our wonderful adventure of reading the same books.

Over the last few years, because of my son, I have read the entire Diary of a Wimpy Kid series by Jeff Kinney, Percy Jackson series by Rick Riordan, The Conch Bearer by Divakaruni, The Hatchet by Gary Paulsen, Five Flavors of Dumb by Antony John and most recently Totally Joe by James Howe to name just a few. Each book has opened by eyes to the nuances of a tween’s life. In addition, my son and I can discuss aspects of a book or story. Totally Joe for example is about a 7th grader writing an alpha-biography throughout the school year. The main character presents himself with entries from A to Z. The book explores how Joe (the main character) comes to terms with being gay as well as falling in love, breaking up, and learning to stand up for himself. I am so glad that my son and I had this relationship of reading the same books so that we could discuss this one as well.

Through our relationship, I have influenced my son’s reading as well. Through my suggestions, he has read Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin as well as classics such as The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupery and The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

I continue to support my children in their individual endeavors but feel happy that I am an active participant in this one passion of my son’s. I am excited to find out what books he will want to read in the next couple of years and am happy that we continue to have this bond as he grows through middle school. I also realize that as he enters high school and college, I will have to grow as well and find other ways in which to bond.

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What is parent coaching and what led me to pursue it?

Posted on May 17, 2011

My article as posted in Indya Unlimited http://www.india-intro.com/index.php

Personal coaching, life coaching, executive coaching, and career coaching are all new career options that have emerged in the last decade. Coaching is currently an unregulated field and its best to hire a coach that has been certified by a reputable university. I was unaware of coaching until my life circumstances led me to pursue it as a vocation. Now I am a Certified Parent Coach. My certification comes from the Parent Coaching Institute in conjunction with Seattle Pacific University in Bellevue, Washington USA. I earned my certification while I was living in India.

Coaching is different from counseling, therapy, and consulting. Counseling and therapy offer a problem-solving methodology, consulting offers an expertise methodology. Dr. Brenda Wilkins who is one of the foremost researchers on coaching, defines coaching as ‘a relationship with a client where a coach supports, collaborates with and facilitates client learning, by helping a client to identify and achieve future goals through assessment, discovery, reflection, goal setting and strategic action.’

Parent coaching is a relationship between the coach and the client to foster the client’s dreams of family related growth through honest communication and active participation. The coach will help the client clarify goals by asking questions the client may not have thought of, provide guidance by listening non-judgmentally, and enable action by providing relevant information to implement strategies designed with the client’s values in mind. Parent coaching is an art and a practice that inspires, energizes, and facilitates learning and development of the client and the client’s family.

As coaching is a new profession, I never thought much about it when I was growing up. I went to university to be in the fashion industry. My first job was for a fashion designer in New York City. After that, I specialized in product development and worked for some of the largest retailers and wholesalers in the world. I traveled extensively within the United States and abroad. After my marriage, my husband, a management consultant, also traveled extensively and we had fun meeting in new locations.

I realized that I was pregnant with my first child just as I was about to embark on a ‘Habitat for Humanity’ project in New Zealand. Due to the conditions of the trip, I was urged to cancel. I enjoyed my pregnancy and it was a complete shock when I went into labor and gave birth at 33 weeks pregnant. My son weighed 4 lbs 9 oz at birth and was admitted to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) for 2 weeks. I don’t think that one can ever be prepared for such things. It was strange leaving the hospital without my baby. I did end up spending many, many hours at the hospital during those 2 weeks. With the help of my husband, family, and friends, I navigated those early years.

A few years later, I became pregnant again. For some reason that I cannot remember, I chose to have a doula. Fairly soon, we discovered that I was carrying twins . . . a boy and a girl. At this point, we switched to an obstetrician. Soon thereafter, we found out that the boy was not doing well and so we switched to a Perinatologist (high risk pregnancy doctor). My son had a few physical defects as well as an AV (atreoventricular) defect. He had a large hole in the center of his heart. After multiple medical check ups and meetings with a genetic counselor, we were told that my son needed to be 6 pounds at birth and undergo immediate surgery. If he was under that weight, he would have to go to hospice. I cannot describe the emotional roller coaster I was on. Then, at 22 weeks, my son passed away in utero. My daughter was still growing strong and all the ultrasounds revealed that she was a healthy baby. Mentally, I had a hard time dealing with this situation. This may have been one of the reasons that I went into pre-term labor at 30 weeks. As it turned out, during the pre-term labor, my daughter’s heart beat slowed down considerably. I ended up being put under general anesthesia and having an emergency C-section in the operating room. My daughter was born 10 weeks early at 3 lbs 8 oz, and with a small hole in her heart, an ASD (Atrial Septal Defect). Even though I was familiar with the NICU, this experience was much different than when my son was born. For my son, I was told to perform kangaroo care (skin to skin holding) for 3 hours at a time. For my daughter, I was not allowed to touch her for the first few weeks as she was so frail. She was in the NICU for 6 weeks. We monitored her heart every 6 months until she was 3 years old when she received a green light from the pediatric cardiologist. Again, with the help of my husband, family, and friends I was able to navigate those early years.

My experiences with premature labor and childbirth led me to volunteer for the March of Dimes. I became a NICU Family Advisory Council Member and Parent Advisor. I also became a board member of Precious Beginnings, an NGO that provided parent to parent support to families who had pre-mature children. I would say childbirth and the experience of having premature children was the first step in my transformation from a fashion product developer to a certified parent coach.

My coaching practice is called Peak Experience Parenting. Peak Experience is a term coined by Abraham Maslow, a professor of psychology. He says a peak experience is one that creates sudden feelings of intense happiness and well-being, even the awareness of an ‘ultimate truth’ and the unity of all things. As a parent coach, my goal is to help the parent reach peak experiences of interconnectedness, harmony, and happiness. Specifically, I will help the parent tune into his or her values and be authentic in parenting; discover his or her unique parenting style and understand unique strengths and challenges; discover creative ways to support the day-to-day aspects of life; and take care of oneself so that you have more to give as a parent.

I work with parents on challenges they may have with their child(ren). My areas of interest include parent / child relationships, behavior issues, ages and stages, school-related concerns, media-related influences and many more. I work with all different kinds of families and have special experience working with families that are globally mobile and/or in intercultural relationships. When partners are raised in different cultures, they face unique parenting challenges. I help parents foster awareness and an appreciation of each other’s cultural differences so they can raise their children in a way that brings true authenticity and fulfillment to each member of the family.

We all feel overwhelmed at times or wish that we had a partner to guide us along the parenting journey. A certified parent coach provides you that support, guidance, and resources, while together you create positive changes.

For further information, interest in finding about parent coaching as a vocation, or for being coached, Nita can be reached through www.peakexperienceparenting.com. Please send her a private message through the Contact Nita page. Nita is able to call you, regardless of where in the world you may live.

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